Chinedu:No talk like dat,no talk am..God dey,he go carry us go up
Titus:Which time dat time go come.
Chinedu:Just be patient, wait for Gods time
Titus:Oooh be patient be patient, dats why I like Olamide..He say I no get patient and I no want the bone..So forget this patient tin you dey tell me.
Chinedu:Na you dey talk o,if God do am now even you sef go shock
Titus:Okay o,I hear you… Oya go answer customer
Chinedu:You no fit go?After you wan make am abi
Titus:Abeg just free me..
(Chinedu went to answer the customer)
Chinedu:Madam, good afternoon
Madam:Afternoon, what’s wrong with your friend?
Chinedu:Hmmmm..hmmm,
Madam:Are you afraid?
Chinedu: No ma o
Madam:So speak what’s wrong?
Chinedu: He’s hungry..We are hungry
Madam:Rili?! Is dat why he’s face is like that?
Chinedu:Madam,haven’t you heard that a hungry man is an angry man
Madam:Is true,you are right
(Titus coming towards them)
Titus:Come o,I no understand you Chinedu.Na work you come do abi na talk you com talk ehn?
Chinedu: Me and her dey talk price
Titus:Na price una dey talk siiinceee..Wetin be the work she wan do,na pumping of tire abi na patching
Chinedu: The two both of them join together
Titus:Chi…Chinedu, the two both of them together??Who teach you English
Chinedu: Okay,teacher Titus correct me na
Titus:It is errrrm…errrm…
Chinedu: Oya na,nwa teacher
Titus:Calm down, am trying to combinate my sentence wella…It is the two of them altogether join.
Chinedu:I know say you go know am
Madam: The both of you are just so funny
Chinedu: We are not comedy
Titus:Ah Chinedu, no be comedy, its joker.We are not joker
Chinedu: Eeh you go join am to become comedy joker
Titus:E be like say we go add ‘s’ to become ‘comedy jokers’ abi
Chinedu: Yea,you are correct
Madam: (Laughing hard) the both of you will not kill me with laugh,oya go to the boot and take the tire. I will come in the evening for it.. Take this money too (giving them 200n)just buy snacks its not money for your job. I will give you that when I come later.
Chinedu: Okay ma..Oya Titus go carry the carry the tire
Titus:Thunder fire you, you dey crase?You see say hunger wan kill me for here,you better go carry am.Bring the money make I go buy garri and groundnut.(collecting the money)
Madam: (laughing) both of you ehn
Chinedu took the tire out and bade the woman bye.
The woman came back for the tyre later in the evening…
Titus:Madam, welcome o
Madam: Thank you.. So how much for the tyre
Titus:Na 1million
Madam: (smiling)You are kidding right?
Titus:I no kid because I no be kid…Your money na 1million but I go pity you collect 300naira
Madam:(laughing) funny you, take it and keep the change
Titus:2000naira?
Madam:Yea.
Titus:Thank you o..Chei,God don butter my bread o,madam dey patronize us o.You hear?
Madam: Okay, no problem (she zoomed off)
Titus:Today na today,ashawo go hear am..Thank God say Chinedu no dey shop so I no go share any money with am.
***************************************
(5min later Chinedu came back)
Titus:Bia Chinedu, abeg I dey go house,I wan go s--t so stay for shop I go soon come back
Chinedu: No tey o
Titus:No problem
(Titus zoomed out and carried one ashawo to his one room apartment)
Titus:How far na,spread leg make I do fast fast dey go shop.
Ashawo:Money for hand,back for ground
Titus:Trust me na,I go pay you..
Ashawo:I no hear dat one o
Titus:Okay na,if my thing go down I no go do again o
Ashawo:Eeeh,make e go down na
Titus:E dey go down o……………..e dey go down o………In fact I no do again, come begin dey go.(pushing her out)
Ashawo:Oyaa no vex,I go lie down spread for you.
(After about 45-50min,they finished their business)
Titus:Oya hold this one
Ashawo:Ehn wetin be this..
Titus: Wetin e be you like
Ashawo:Abeg abeg abeg I no dey for this drama
Titus:Even me sef,I kukuma no sabi act drama.
Ashawo: I go wound you o,complete this money
Titus:For this economy, as I give you 500naira you no like am?Oya bring am back and return my sperm (abi coolvallers)
Ashawo: E be like say you be crase man but I go show you say we dey crase for our family.(holding his d--k and dragging it)
Titus:Ewooo,abeg abeg
Ashawo: You don ready to pay?
Titus:I no hold money again
Ashawo: You dey play,searching his pocket and taking 2000naira in total. You no even get money and you come dey f--k (leaving the house)
Titus:(almost in tears due to the pain from his penis)You dey crase, God punish your Toto,I no even blame you na (pointing at his d--k)na you I blame,I no know if na you dey control me abi na me dey control you. And this ashawo sef,she no fine o but her thing…E sweet!
****Chiefs house****
The chief has identical twins, he is seen scolding them…
Chief: See the both of you, useless children. All you know is to be calling daddy daddy….don’t go and get a husband o.
Lara:Daddy,are we going to beg men to come and marry us?
Laura:Or are we going to put ‘husbands wanted’ apply within?
Chief:Oh God oh God,see this foolish children… How old are the both of you?
Laura:Daddy,we are just 37 for crying out loud
Chief:Did I hear you call 37 just?
Lara:Yes dad,we are just 37 and you are rushing us like this. I don’t understand you o
Chief:Oh,you thought you will stay with me for life and be eating my food huh?That’s not possible. If you don’t get a husband in 2weeks time the both of you are disowned…get out of my view,spoilt brats!
(They scampered into their rooms)
Laura:Lara,we need to get ourselves a husband coz we ain’t getting young
Lara:True talk sis but there’s no guy coming our way..
Laura:You are right and I don’t know why its so..Am I not set enough? My b----t are still firm,see my butt too…So what’s their problem
Lara:I don’t know o,see my large melons yet nobody is coming..Which kind kasala be this?
Laura:Well, there is this dude I met on Facebook. We have been friends for long tho we ve never met,he asked me out on a date tomorrow
Lara:Really?
Laura:Yeap..
Lara:That’s a plus for you o
Laura:Don’t be too sure until I get there.
Lara:Am happy for you o (even though she was jealous)
****next day at KFC****
Laura:Hi,you Richard right?
(Richard should be between 22-25,tall ,fair and handsome)
Richard: Yea,I am and you are Laura huh?
Laura:(smiling) Yea.It’s nice meeting you
Richard: The pleasure is mine..So how’s your boyfriend
Laura:I have none.
Richard: You joking right?
Laura:Nah nah ain’t joking.
Richard: Wow,that’s nice…
Laura:So how’s your girlfriend?
(I guess Laura wasn’t expecting a straight forward answer)
Richard: She’s fine, like she’s okay.I even spoke with her before you came here.
Laura:(provoked)So why are you cheating on her
Richard: Excuse me,did you say cheat?
Laura:Yea,cheat..
Richard: Explain what you mean by that
(Laura who is known for getting angry at little things, as I can see now,she is really upset)
Laura:If you weren’t cheating on her then why did you hook up with another girl on a date,I mean you just wasted my time coming here.
Richard: Sorry ma o,sorry ma buh were you thinking I was single?….Like a fresh dude like me without a girlfriend? Wait a minute, were you thinking I was gonna ask you to be my girlfriend? Jeeez,you even called yourself girl not even lady.ooops!did I say lady?you are a woman, yes!a full grown woman old enough to be my….kpozaaaa!!
(A security came in immediately when he saw things were getting out of hand and told them to leave)
Laura:(picking up her bag)B-----d!
Richard: I can’t lay hands on you coz you ain’t my type b---h… Respect is reciprocal madam Laura…
(Laura was so angry that she pushed the security man away and got into her Prado jeep)…
***at home***
Lara:So how did it go dear sister
Laura:It went really bad,I mean twaz a waste of time.
Lara:What really happened?
(Laura went ahead to explain in full details)
Lara:But are we that old??
Laura:See mirror there,go and check don’t ask me.
Lara:That means dad has always been right,
Laura:Yea…
****next day****
(Laura took her car to the vulcanizer)
Chinedu:Hey,Titus that madam don come again o
Titus:Okay make I go answer am.
Chinedu: Good boy
Titus:Your father yansh
Chinedu: (laughing)
(Titus went to meet her)
Madam:Weldone o
Titus:Welcome ma
Madam: I want to fix my tyre.
Titus:Madam,sorry o
Madam:For what?
Titus:We nor dey fix tyre for here,na only pump and patching we dey do
Madam:Oh,the two is what I will like to do
Titus:But na you come day before yesterday na,
Madam:You must be dreaming, come on go and take the tyre in the boot.
Titus:No vex madam
(He went and took the tyre)
Madam: Make sure you finish it before I come back
Titus:Okay ma…Your money na…(she zoomed off)Why this woman dey behave like this today na…Chinedu come help me push am enter shop jareeeh.
Chinedu: Lazy man
Titus:I no be man,
Chinedu: You com be wetin
Titus:I be guy
Chinedu: (pushing the tyre)mumu,for your mind.You no know say you don old?
Titus:Me wey just reach 28…Waka there
Chinedu: Abegi,I go do the tyre and you go pump am.
Titus:No wahala…Make I use that one run sleep
Chinedu:Na only sleep you sabi,if I call your name and you no answer na better slap ah go give you
Titus:You better no just try m
Chinedu:Wait, shey you notice anything for that woman
Titus:Yes
Chinedu: Thank God say you sef notice am
Titus:Say she dey harsh today abi?
Chinedu: No,you no see how she dey look you?
Titus:(touching chinedu neck) chaii….no wonder..Malaria don start,make I run go buy medicine.
Chinedu:Idiot,come back here…You no sabi that lady?
Titus:Why I go sabi that kind person…You know am?
Chinedu: Sure na…Her papa get money and she never marry,she dey find husband like say tomorrow no dey.
Titus:NTA reporter..How you take know, no be me and you dey always dey shop?How you con know
Chinedu: Forget that side,I dey current na
Titus:Na you sabi
Chinedu: You know say you fine pass me so you go toast am.
Titus:E do, e do,e do…Ah ah oya go do the work before she go come
Chinedu:Just think am o,na our opportunity to Make money be this
Titus:Mtcheew
Chinedu: If you wan make am, na wetin you go do be vat
Titus:(already snoring)
Chinedu: Na so so sleep e sabi,see am..E dey snore like pig
(15min later)
Chinedu: Oboy wake up,I don finish go pump am
Titus:Abeg just help me (still closing his eyes)
Chinedu: I don know say na wetin you go do buh I no go Gree..
Titus:Abeg help me if you do am I go toast am
Chinedu: Na you talk am o
Titus:Yes
Chinedu:okay o
Titus continued sleeping while Chinedu pumped the tyre…
****2hrs later****
Chinedu: Wake up joor(slapping him heavily)
Titus:Chisos,you wan kill me?
Chinedu: Since I dey call you nko
Titus:I no hear na
Chinedu: How you go hear,see that madam don come go give am the tyre and toast am join o
Titus:See your head, wetin I go tel am now you know say I dey shame
Chinedu: Kai,how me and you take meet..The tin you dey tel those ashawo tel am…Mumu
Titus:if she slap me ehn,wetin I go do you,you go see.
Chinedu:Go fast,carry tyre o
Titus went to meet her and he greeted
Titus:Welcome ma
Madam:How are you?
Titus:I dey fine
Madam: Why is your face like this
Titus:Nothing
Madam:Tell me joor
Titus:Errrm…eerrrm,I no like as you do 4 morning
Madam:Am sorry, I was going late that’s why..Is that all?
Titus:No…no ma
Madam: Tell me,
Titus:Madam..madam..No vex o for wetin I wan talk
Madam: I won’t
Titus:The tin be say chai…The talk heavy for mouth………….Madam I too like you o
As he said it,he ran away fast before she slap him
Madam:Come now,who is pursuing you
Titus:Madam, you no vex?
Madam: Not at all..So you like me or love me which one
Titus:madam anyhow you see am but my heart dey always knack for you if I see you
Madam: Hmmm…Can I meet you at that Mr Biggs in Egbeda by 1pm
Titus:Okay ma,no problem
Madam: Don’t call me ma,call me Laura
Titus:Lo ra
Madam:Nah,Laura
Titus:Oh Lawyer
Madam: Say Lau
Titus:Law
Madam: Ra
Titus:Ra…Lawra
Madam: Whatever so what’s your own name
Titus:Titus
Madam: Tites (using phonetics pronunciation)
Titus:No be tightest,Titus
Madam: You mean Tites fish?
Titus:Madam, see you too,you no sabi pronounce ordinary Titus..E dey hard you, so you see say we fit ourself.
Madam:(laughing) Put the tyre in the boot,see you tomorrow
He kept the tyre in the boot and collected his money.
Chinedu: How far,how e go
Titus:She say make I meet am for Egbeda Mr Biggs by 1pm
Chinedu: Aaah that place too far na..
Titus:Sheybi na you talk say make I toast am
Chinedu: Eeeh nothing spoil, tomorrow you go go
Titus:Guy I need good clothes, I no fit wear the clothes I get for house..You know say dey don wash.
Chinedu: Na true o..Eh wetin go happen be say we go borrow Obi suit
Titus:You sure say e go greee?
Chinedu: Why not
Titus:Okay na…
****Chiefs house****
Laura and Lara are seen talking
Laura:I met another guy today, he’s quite handsome.
Lara:What’s his name?
Laura:Oh!I forgot to ask o
Lara:Sis you are funny o..What’s his occupation
Laura:I don’t know too
Lara:Ah ah where did you guys meet.
Laura:In a bank and we are going on a date tomorrow
Lara:Wow,the guy must be a big boy.. You are having luck o
Laura:Yes o
****The next day****
Titus is seen preparing while Chinedu is checking out
Chinedu: O boy you are beautiful o
Titus:You dey craze.How you go use beautiful for a boy ehn?
Chinedu: Oga teacher e con be wetin
Titus:No be beautiful, na pretty..So next time say o boy you pretty o
Chinedu: Okay sir,na im be say if boy na pretty den girl go be beautiful
Titus:Noo,how girl wan take be beautiful..You go say Girls are handsome
Chinedu: Den beautiful, who get am
Titus:Na Animal get beautiful.. You fit say that dog dey beautiful ooo
Chinedu: okay,fine na for who
Titus:Fine na 4 plant…like now,you fit say that flower fine o
Chinedu: E don do,come begin go..See how the suit be like feather,e too big….When na so so woman you go dey knack
Titus:Make I commot am?
Chinedu: No o,e fit you
Titus:You sure?
Chinedu: Yes na
Titus:Chai,na only 100n I get..na im be say I go use 50n enter okada go come
Chinedu: How you go enter okada,you no know say breeze go dey blow the suit?
Titus:Wetin ah go do
Chinedu: Enter taxi like you be big boy. Bcoz she fit see you on top okada and e no go good like that.
Titus:Taxi na 100n na,how I go do come back
Chinedu: She go give you money na
Titus:Okay,make I dey waka na
Titus:Sii sii taksi,come……..
The taxi parked by his side…
Driver:Where you dey go?
Titus:Na Egbeda o
Driver:Your money150n
Titus:Wetin?? Na Egbeda I dey go no be my village o abi you don smoke?
Driver:You know say fuel don cost na
Titus:E consine me?? No be Una vote change? No be Una do change begins with me? Why I dey say me sef,na with you.
Driver:Oga how much you wan pay
Titus:50n
Driver;Aaaah…Oga on top which level na…Pay120n
Titus:70n
Driver:100n
Titus:80n..You gree or you don’t gree?
Driver:I no gree…Pay 100
Titus:mtcheeew,na God go faya thunder for that your mouth…if no be bcos I don late ah 4 no enter
The driver drove off and dropped him where he requested.. He paid the driver and entered the Mr Biggs,everywhere was cold due to the A.C,he was looking for Laura when he saw her waving.
Titus:So na hear you dey
Laura:I have been waiting for you since
Titus:No vex,I been dey work that’s why.
Laura:Can’t you just put a correct English sentence for once?
Titus:No angry,I will talk good English now
Laura:So what will you like to take
Titus:Give me anything…anything.. Abi beggar like me had choice?
Laura:Nooo..not had choice but have…Wait,Am coming lemme get our menu…
As she went, Titus stood up immediately and went to the toilet.
(Few min later)
Laura:Where has thiz guy gone to
(2min later)
Leave me alone,free me jareeh.She looked and saw Titus arguing with a security man..She went to save him.
Laura:What is that
Titus:No be this idiot for here?
Flaura:(to the security) Yes,what happened
Security: You see this your servant boy,he went inside the female toilet.
Titus:Lawra see make I tell you how e happen..I go toilet go piss but person day 4 the boys toilet na im I say make I check girls own but person no dey at all so I enter com use am fast fast na im this fool see me e con dey shout.
Laura:Pls just let im go but next time don’t it
Security: Madam, just hold your houseboy
Titus:Na your papa be houseboy,idiat.
Laura:Calm down, let’s go and eat.
They settled down to eat then Titus started complaining
Titus:Come which kin harmattan be this,you no dey feel am?
Laura:Ooh you are funny.Its an air condition..
Titus:Hair condition?
Laura:Yes
Titus:Na im be say women go dey feel cold die,bcoz some of them dey carry that hair condition put for head
Laura:I dnt even understand you
Titus:You no fit understand me bcos you no be understanding mathematics.
Laura:Stop eating the meat pie like that,eat it together with what’s inside, stop removing them
Titus:Okay I don hear you but I no like am that’s why… See wetin dem put inside for person to chop.
Laura:Just manage it please,afterall i asked you before purchasing it…and stop speaking pidgin
Titus continued eating the meat pie the way he was eating it..It provoked Laura and she shouted what kind of human being are you, I can’t take this anymore.. With that she picked her bag and left leaving the stranded Titus alone…
Titus:Ehn,Laura where you dey go.. Com gimme transport money o and thank God say you don pay for wetin I dey chop.
Laura:Don’t you ever call my name, you are not my type…Just an illiterate, that’s who you are.
Titus:Na me you dey call illiteracy..No problem but con give me money for transport..
Laura left Titus and Titus didn’t know what to do,he was angry with his friend Chinedu for putting him in such mess.He stood up and started thinking on how he will trek home..
Titus:So na legging tinz be this…chai,my body go hear am today…Well every disappointment,oyibo people talk say na blessing,make I kukuma dey waka but make I finish this wine..In fact make I carry am dey waka,at least e go do for life support.
He started trekking home, 1hr he was still on the road.
Titus:Chai,Egyptian journey… Na Egyptian journey, see sun.Kai,the food wey I chop I don use m trek..Water dey hungry me oooo and the wine don finish..Na God go punish women…I go advice every man say make e no dey trust any woman again.. You wey dey read me,hope you don hear,women dem dey…dem dey…chai,e get the word wey oyibo people dey call am..e be like say na deceit…deceitfool
He was just lamenting aloud and ppl were looking at him like he’s mad…Coz Under the scorching sun he’s putting on suit and trekking again with a wine bottle in his hand..
Meanwhile, Chinedu was getting worried, he wasn’t expecting Titus to stay thiz long.
As he was thinking, he sighted his friend from afar and was like who is this man..
Titus was getting closer to the shop when he fainted…
Chinedu: Aaah,ewooo..Titus wetin do you na,wake up…wake up abeg,wetin she do you? Abi Una f--k wey you con taya?Abeg no do like dis na,wake up…
He ran inside and brought a bucket of water…Waaaaa on Titus body
Titus:Why you pour me water na
Chinedu: You faint na
Titus:Who faint,abi you smoke?
Chinedu: Why you con lie down 4 road
Titus:Thunder go fire you.. You see condition wey you put me, Date am date am,na opportunity to get rich..Now you see am
Chinedu: Wetin happen na
Titus:Chaiiiii…Women…Women…Women
Chinedu: Wetin do dem
Titus: Hair….Women… Mtcheew…hair condition
Chinedu: Wetin concern air condition with question I ask you
Titus narrated his ordeal to Nedu and Nedu laughed at him.
Nedu:Bush man
Titus:You dey craze…No tel me to toast am again o.
Nedu:Na ur problem.
*****Chief house*****
Laura:The guy I went out with is a psycho
Lara:What?! A psycho??
Laura:You need to see how he was eating(demonstrating)
Lara:Jeeeeez,nawa o…that one no be human being o,na village boy e bi
Laura:He’s a poor guy
Lara:A poor guy?Ah ah a poor guy in a bank?
Laura: I lied
Lara:Meaning
Laura:I lied about the guy I went to see
Lara:Nawa for you o..So is he someone I know?
Laura:Yea…that vulcanizer, Tites
Lara:What a funny name, Titus
Laura:Am done with that guy
Lara:Not fair o,you can still change him or rather bring down your level to his
Laura:What rubbish, am done with him and thats final.
Lara:Kai,see opportunity for husband
Laura:Husband that has no better work. In our current economy someone is doing vulcanizing work and you think you won’t suffer in his home?
Lara:Are you asking me?Wait,lemme ask the people reading it..
People o,if someone marries a vulcanizer in thiz BUHARI’S time.Will there be suffering in that home?? 😁😁
****2weeks later****
Pipipipipipipipipipipi,a car was horning in front of Titus shop.
Chinedu: Titus,that woman don come again
Titus:Y you con dey tel me
Chinedu: Go know wetin she want na
Titus:Abeg I no dey for dat one
Chinedu: She fit one beg you
Titus:Mtcheeeew…You sure?
Chinedu: Yes na
Titus:If she no beg me nko
Chinedu: You go remain a vulcanizer
Titus:Idiot
Titus went to meet her frowning his face.
Titus:Yes,madam wetin you want
Madam: Its me o,it’s me Laura
Titus:I no say na you.Just tel me wetin you want
Laura:No vex about the other day
Titus:Ehn!!Madam…eerm…Lawra you say make I no vex
Laura:Yes no vex..Am sorry
Titus:You sure?
Laura:Yes m sure
Titus:Okay,as you don tel me sorry I no vex again. Bye bye
Laura:Ah ah…Titus, calm down na
Titus:Calm down for wetin again.. You don tel me sorry already so wetin happen again
Laura:I wan take you out
Titus:Abeg I no dey go anywhere,I dey on duty
Laura:Please just do it for me
Titus:Hmmmm…na bcos I like you o..You go wait for me make I go change cloth
Laura:Where
Titus:For my house na..
Laura:Oh God
Titus:If you no fit wait carry your wahala dey go o,I no hold you
Laura:I go follow you go your house.
Titus:That place no be for your type, remember you say I no be your type.
Laura: Am sorry na
Titus:Oya make we go…..Nedu I dey com o
Nedu:Bros,no wahala (thank God o)
They went to his house to change then she took him for shopping.. They bought clothes, shoes,phone,etc.They also went to an eatery, this time she didn’t bother about the way Titus was eating and He was happy…After eating, instead of Titus to go to his shop and meet Nedu he took her to his house and trust Igbo guys na,he laid her that evening and am sure she enjoyed it coz we Igbo guys are good at what we do (Igbo’s in the house,true or false).She gave him 5k before leaving and Titus was happy bcoz he hasn’t held up to 5k before,they kissed before she went home.
*****8pm,that same day*****
Chinedu came back from work shop…
Chinedu: Guy so you don come since I con dey wait 4 u
Titus:Who you dey follow talk,come sidon.I no be ur mate again.
Chinedu sat down on the bed,thats the only tangible thing in the room.
Chinedu: Ngwa gist me how e go na…
Titus:(he brought all the clothes out)Chinedu, my life don dey change o.See levels na,from now dey call me Oga Titus you hear?
Chinedu: (saluting like an officer)Yes sir
Titus:See dis one (throwing it on Nedu)I dash you poverty.
He picked another cloth and threw it at him saying na poverty I dey give you, if dem say I no go make am dey don lie.He picked all the clothes and threw at him(Nedu).
Chinedu: She buy shoe 4 you sef.
Titus:Before nko.
He picked the shoe and started hitting it on Chinedu head saying ‘make I no see your leg for this shoe o’.
Chinedu: Abegi e don do..Person no go hear word again bcos you get new new things abi.My own be say marry am fast fast make I benefit too,you hear?
Titus: I don hear… Wetin person go chop this night
Chinedu: I nor know o.Na 350n I make today
Titus:That na nonsense.. Come make we go chop pepper soup jareeh
Nedu:Ehn,where you see money
Titus: You dey chop abi you no chop..If you dey chop follow me buh if you no wan chop sidon 4 there dey ask me Ajuju (question).
Titus left and Chinedu followed suit immediately after weighing the questions.
Titus:Why you dey follow body na
Nedu:Abeg make we dey go joor.
They arrived at a beer parlor and ordered for 2plates of pepper soup and 2 bottles of 33 export each.
Madam Uche is the owner of the beer parlor and she knows Titus very well.
Ma Uche:Ah ah Titus wetin happen
Titus:As how
Ma Uche:You of all people dey buy pepper soup today
Titus:Madam Uche,you dey see me as small boy bcoz I get small body abi?
Ma Uche:No o
Nedu:Madam Uche,Titus don become big Oga o
Titus:Tell am,make she know
Ma Uche:Is that so?
Nedu:Yes o
Ma Uche:Na im be say you go dey set to service me tonight
Titus:Mba Mba (no no) I no dey do that one again, I don change
Ma Uche:Ehhh,make I hear word.. You wey like toto pass anything
Titus:Eeeh,I no dey do anyhow Toto again. Anybody wey get smelly Toto my tin no go enter again
Ma Uche:You dey craze..E be like say this drink don dey work your head make I leave you to enjoy.
Titus:Good better bester (instead of best)..Go and no come o for thus sayeth Oga Titus..
She left their table and went to attend to other customers.. Titus and Nedu ate until dey were filled then they went back home and slept..
******DURING THE NIGHT******
Tadadadatadada…tadadadada…tadadadatadadada…tadadadada…phone continued ringing and Nedu woke up.
Chinedu: Ehn,wetin dey sing(scared) Titus Titus,wake up joorh
Titus:Ehn,wetin happen
Chinedu: You no dey hear wetin dey sing?
Titus:Chineke,na winch o (scared)
Chinedu quickly moved towards him and wanted to cross over the other side where Titus was and Titus started screaming ‘na 14yrs na 14yrs.’ (Hope you understand).
Chinedu: You dey craze?Wetin be 14yrs?I no fit pass over person again?
Titus:No vex na,I think say you wan..phone started to ring again
Chinedu: Which kind tin be this na..Who know maybe na winch that girl carry give you.
Titus:Waka (showing him five fingers in the face)
Nedu:Jesus,see light wey dey shine for there
Titus:Ooooooh….Na my phone dey ring na
Nedu:So na phone con dey sing
Titus:Village boy.
He went to where he kept the phone and picked it but by then it has stopped ringing..
The phone rang again and he was confused on what to press so he asked Nedu,Nedu told him to press the green button even though Nedu wasn’t sure.He pressed it and heard Laura’s voice.
Laura:Hi darling
Titus:Baby na you?
Laura:Yes o,na me
Titus:How you dey na,hope say you reach house on time
Laura:Yes..You don dey sleep already?
Titus:Yes o,as television no dey wetin man go dey do by now.
Laura:Don’t worry tomorrow I go buy you television. I go com pick you up,you hear?
Titus:Baby you dey follow me joke?
Laura:No I dey serious.
Titus:See make I tell you something……You go go heaven tomorrow… No,na next tomorrow atleast by that time you go don buy the television.
Laura:(laughing) You are funny
Titus:You are dry (laughing)
Laura:Goodnight dear
Titus:You too goodnight there (thinking she meant there instead of dear)…(hangs call)
Chinedu: Na Laura abi
Titus:Yes
Chinedu: Why you tell am say she go go heaven
Titus:She say she wan buy television for this house.
Chinedu: You mean am?
Titus:Yes o.
Chinedu: Chai,we go chop am dry.
Titus: Abeg I wan sleep so make I hear word.
****next day*****
Laura came to pick him up in her car and they went to the market to buy the T.V. After buying it they returned home
Titus:Laura,you dey try for me o
Laura:Don’t mention
Titus:Kai,your talk dey always sweet me. I go do anything you want so far no be to die for you o
Laura:(smiling) Eh eh baby,something just enter my mind.
Titus: Talk am
Laura:The thing is that for you to marry me you no go fit use vulcanizing work marry me.
Titus:(disappointed) I no understand
Laura:Okay make I explain. My papa don dey disturb me say which time you go come see am and I tell am very soon.
Titus:Ah ah dat one no be problem na.I fit go see am tomorrow.
Laura:You no still understand… My papa think say na big man wan marry me.
Titus:Why you no tell am the person wey wan marry you na vulcanizer
Laura:E no go even gree..
Titus:Say wetin happen.. I no be man?Husband na husband, big man, small man,all na man.
Laura:No shout..What will happen is that I will open business for you, so I just want make you think of the kind business then tell me when you don ready..okay?
Titus: (he fell on the floor)
Laura:Stand up joor
Titus:Baby,I no say you dey joke.
Laura:No be joke o
Titus:How I go take pay back
Laura:Just marry me and be faithful, that’s all but for now come service my body.I need your stick to divide my water
Titus:That your Toto wey tight.. Anyhow na,hope you don chop sha
Laura:Sure.. I dey ready for you.
They had 3 ramp of s-x before they got tired and dozed off..In the evening she woke up surprised at how she slept. Without disturbing Titus she dressed up and left the room.
*****3days later*****
Laura came to visit him in the shop.
Titus:How far
Laura:Fine o
Titus:I dey see am for your body.
Laura:So have you thought about the business?
Titus:Yes
Laura:So which one
Titus:Na rice business o,I go dey import bag of rice dey sell am.
Laura:Its quite good What about the capital
Titus:Eeerm…150k for a start.
Laura:What about shop rent
Titus:35k
Laura:So 185k abi?
Titus:Yes.
Laura:Okay,I go collect am from my papa come give you next tomorrow.
Titus:Thank you (kissing her) Hey Nedu wetin you dey look.
She left the shop promising to return next tomorrow.
Chinedu:Guy this woman love you die o..Wetin go happen next be say we need to go and see the father on time.
Titus:Money no dey na
Chinedu: No be to buy crate of beer go meet her papa. If she come next tomorrow she go give you like 4k na
Titus:Na true o.You get sense o.
Chinedu: B4 nko…
*****next tomorrow*****
Laura:This is the money so start running the business immediately
Titus:Okay,don’t worry I go soon see your papa.
Laura:Okay just tell me anytime you want to come. I think you know my house abi?
Titus:Yes.
Laura:Bye (giving him 3k)
Titus:Bye.
Titus was happy things were going smoothly for him then he exclaimed ‘poverty na disease’.
The next day he paid the rent of the shop he has priced already and started stocking his shop immediately with bags of rice.He made Chinedu the salesboy (such is life)..
In life when things are rough there is always that person there to help you but once you hit jackpot you forget that person.. Hope you Fams ain’t like that,remember no one knows tomorrow…
A week later,Titus and Chinedu were seen coming down from a taxi.
Titus:Oga taksi,wait for here
Driver:Your money dey increase so o
Titus:(hisses)
Chinedu: How much sef
Driver:200n
Titus:Only?? Chinedu carry that crate and follow me.
Chinedu: Meaning what?
Titus:You dey ask me questions
Chinedu: Titus just know say no condition is permanent, na me make you toast am o.Remember.
Titus:Don’t worry,when I marry am her papa go settle her so she go gimme the money.I go settle you there after
Chinedu: You sure?
Titus:Yes,just carry am.
Chinedu carried the crate to a big gate and Titus knocked. A gateman opened the gate for them and saw the drinks.
Gateman: Ooooh na our in-law….come inside come inside.
They entered inside and were taken to the parlor to wait for chief. Few minutes later,Chief came down and they exchanged pleasantries.
Chief: So what do you do for a living?
Titus:Sir,I dey work to live
Chief:What kinda work
As Titus wanted to talk Chinedu interrupted
Chinedu: Sir,he’s a businessman.. Importer to be precise
Chief: Oh!Nice one but who are you young man.
Titus interrupts..
Titus:Na my best friend from small
Chief: I see…So you came for my daughters hand in marriage
Titus:Oga if e no be that wetin go carry me come.
Chief:Hmmmmm..So,lemme call them so you can show me the particular one…Laura,Lara..come here.
Two identical twins came out and Titus was shocked.
Chief: So which of them?
Chief: So which of them?
Titus:Oga,shey na dream be this abi na vision I dey see…Chinedu wetin dey happen?
Chinedu: Titus,as you see am na so I see am.
Titus:For the two of you, who be Lawra
They both raised their hands.
Titus:I say Who be Lawra?
They both raised their hands.Laura was telling Lara to put her hands down and Lara also told her to put her hands down..so they were both arguing.
Chief:Will the both of you keep quiet?? And you Young man show me who you came for
Titus:Oga show me who be Lawra.
Unfortunately, the chief doesn’t know his daughters except by name so he couldn’t help Titus.
Chief: This children you have finally decided to put me to shame…Who is his wife to be here
They both raised hands again
Chief: Now the both of you should go inside now!
Titus:Oga,I think I go dey commot now…Nedu make we begin go
They left but not without carrying their drinks..
***inside the chiefs house***
Chief: So you both have finally showcased your madness outside abi???If by next tomorrow you both ain’t still ready to own up then you are disowned………..GET OUT OF HERE NOW!
They ran to their room.
Lara:Laura,pls lemme just marry him
Laura:Not in my life.
Lara:But you rejected him before
Laura:Did I now say you should marry him?
Lara:Pls don’t be like this lemme marry him.
Laura:I said never! Unless we both marry him
Lara:What?
****Titus house****
Titus:Chinedu, chai…Abomination
Chinedu: No be small o.
Titus:No be you cause am?
Chinedu: How?
Titus:You no find out about the family well,you con tel me rubbish.
Chinedu: So you dey blame me now
Titus:Before nko.
Chinedu: You know wetin go happen?
Titus:Wetin
Chinedu: Marry the two..
Chief: So are you both ready to tell me who is fiancee is between the both of you?
Lara:Daddy,am his fiancee
Laura:Daddy,am his fiancee….
Lara:Laura,you a cheap liar!
Laura:Daddy lemme just say the truth
Chief:Yes? Say it.
Laura:Dad Am pregnant for him
Chief:WHAT?! This children has killed me ooo. Pregnant???
Laura:Yes Dad.. 2weeks pregnant
Lara:Jeeeez
Chief: Both of you should go to your rooms,I don’t want to see you.
They went inside the room.
Lara:Do you have to lie that you are pregnant? Now see the situation you ve put dad. You are heartless, I hate you
Laura:Keep quiet…Its either we both marry him or…
Lara:or what? Ehn or what?You rejected him saying he’s not your type. I picked him up and brought myself down to his level and you are saying trash.I just hate you.
****Titus house****
Titus: But wait o,I notice something.
Chinedu: Wetin you notice?
Titus:The first Lawra dey speak English like Queen Elizabeth but the second one dey talk like me.
Chinedu: So?Wetin con happen
Titus:You no fit reason am?
Chinedu: Reason wetin
Titus:Reason say,the first Lawra wey carry me go Mr Biggs dump me. She con maybe tell her sister,her sister con use opportunity beg me con tell me say remember its me Lawra o.
Chinedu: Ewoo,now I understand.. Wetin go happen now?
Titus:I go go there find out by making sure say they follow me talk….You understand
Chinedu: I understand and I agree with you.. Make we dey go now?
Titus:For sure na.
They left for Chiefs house…
They got to the Chiefs gate and knocked, the gateman opened the gate and let them into the sitting room.He left after calling Chief and 5min later Chief came downstairs.
Chief: Yes,how may I help you
Titus:I don come to show you my wife
Chief:Really?
Titus:Yes
Chief:In that case lemme call them…
Laura,Lara…Get your 2 left legs here.
They came down to meet their father.
Chief:Here they are so identify.
Titus:(he looked at Laura)How far na
Laura: Baby,I just dey as you left me in this condition.
Titus who didn’t understand the condition smiled and said Sir,na my wife be this.
Chief:How did you know that?
Titus:(whispering in his ear)Bcos na only am sabi speak my pidgin.
Chief:(aloud)Is that so?
Titus:(smiling)Yes sir,so you see na my wife.
Lora:Dear,
Titus:You too there(instead of dear)..So you think you go deceive me,Anambra boy like me.Thunder faya you there.If you call me there (instead of dear) for your mouth again I go give you waka for there.
Laura:(smiling) Dad,you see…Lora was only trying to be smart.
Dad:Hmmm..I see
Lora:Laura,you are very wicked. And as for you Titus (tears forming in her eyes)So upon everything wey I give you, my body and cash.You still wan dump me for my sister,make I see you marry am na.
Laura:Dad,she’s threatning my Fiance.
Titus:Shut up,who be your fi…fi…finance..ehn?In short my head don scatter,I think say na one person dey speak pidgin. Chai Chinedu you no go talk?
Chinedu: Wetin you want make I talk again apart from wetin I don tel you before.
Titus:Wetin you tell me
Chinedu:(whispering) I say make you Marry the two.
Chief: Young man,it is a shame you don’t know your wife.
Titus:Sir,I go sabi dem if you just allow me carry them to bed
Chief:You must be crazy
Laura: Dad,remember am pregnant for him
Titus:You say?
Chinedu: Gbege don burst
Titus:Oga,make I just marry the two
Chief: Can you handle them?
Titus:Wetin dey there…I can
Chief: In that case you have my blessings already. Go and prepare for your traditional wedding,
Titus:Okay sir..Bye babys (instead of babies)
They left their house.
Chief: Thank that man has finally agreed to carry my burden.
Laura:Are you calling us burden dad?
Chief:If you are not burden, what are you?
Common go inside and you both should tell him that I will sponsor the traditional wedding so he should just print cards that’s all.
Laura and Lara:Thank you Dad
They hugged their father..
Titus finally followed some of your advice… Continuing advising him and see where it leads him to.
Titus was happy that his business is flourishing, of course who wouldn’t be happy.To add to his happiness, his fiancees told him that their dad will be sponsoring the traditional wedding so he should just print invitation cards only… He set the date for the traditional and white wedding,printed cards and gave his fiancees and father to distribute while he does same.
****D-day****
Finally, the wedding came and everybody was happy.
The marriage was well attended,Titus wasn’t expecting such. He danced away his poverty that day,there was enough to eat and drink as everybody ate to their fill unlike some weddings where only family members get to eat food (true/false)..
Nobody regretted attending that occasion as they vowed to also attend the white wedding coming up next week.
Finally the wedding came to an end and everyone left for his/her house.
Titus:today na the happiest day of my life.
Chinedu: I dey happy for you bros,see as everybody just dey happy
Titus:We thank God for everything o
Chinedu: Abii
Titus:That white wedding I go make sure na the baddest in town.
Chinedu: Oga,use your head..Remember say we need to stock shop this week.
Titus:Abeg forget that one..Na my wedding we dey talk about, na one day thing and na 4 life so I need to enjoy it
Chinedu: Make I ask you this question
Titus:Ask
Chinedu: After spending money on the white wedding, what next?
Titus:E be like say the readers go help me answer am.
Chinedu: After spending money on the white wedding what next?
Titus:Na to go house na
Chinedu: Good, everybody go go their house abi..You and your wives go come dey hustle to recover the money.
Titus:Abeg leave matter for Mathias. Their papa go settle them so problem no go dey.
Chinedu:Sheybi dey don tell you say na only traditional wedding their papa talk say e go sponsor.
Titus:That one no mean say he no go settle them na.As he no get son wey go inherit hin property, e go divide am 4 dem and na me go still collect am.
Chinedu: I don talk my own o.
****Chiefs house****
Laura:So dad,you mean you won’t put a dime in our white wedding
Chief: Yes,is your husband not working? Does he not have friends? He should be able to do the wedding single handedly.
Lara:Dad buh at least assist na.
Chief: Okay,okay. I will be responsible for the drinks that day
Lara:Dad its too small
Chief: I see you guys are not serious.
Laura and Lara decided to go to Titus house and tell him.
****Titus house****
Lara:Baby,my dad said he is not assisting o
Titus:Make una find way o.
Laura:He said he’s only assisting in drinks.
Titus:That one no be anything.
Lara:Don’t worry, I will borrow some money from my friends
Laura:Me too
Titus:That’s why I love una (pecking them).
****wedding day****
The white wedding was celebrated in a big way,it was graced by many.
As usual good times in life will always come to an end such was the situation of Titus and his wives.
They were driven to their new apartment which is just 2 bedroom flat, one room for him and his wives,the other for Chinedu..
In the night they were calculating how much they made.
Titus:Wow, we don make money o
Lara:Just 900k and you are screaming.
Laura:Don’t even think you are taking this money.
Titus:For wetin na,maka why?
Laura:This 900k is way too low compared to what I borrowed.
Lara:Same with me too
Titus:Come I no understand o,una dey say una borrow reach 1million?
Lara:Yes
Titus:Say wetin shele na. No be for ordinary wedding? Now the wedding don end,everybody don go their house sleep,we still dey here dey quarrel
Laura:When you were dancing, you didn’t know abi
Titus:See ehn,make we sleep now. Tomorrow we go meet your papa to settle Una
Lara: Yes that’s true.
Laura:Don’t sleep now o,come and let’s have s-x. You know I haven’t done it with you before.
Titus:The belle wey you carry who com get am
Laura: That was just a stunt
Titus:Stunt??? You be Jet li abi Jackie Chan wey dey do stunt?
Laura:I just dey joke that time na wetin I mean
Titus:God punish you…Na joke you use com trap me so…Chai women
Laura:Come and f--k me jareeh
Lara:When you are done with her,I dey here o
Titus:No be death warrant I just sign so?
Laura:Stop lamenting and f--k me.
Titus had s-x with each of them twice before finally drifting in to sleep.
****next day****
They went to their father’s house with Titus in their car.
Chief: I see you have come for your present
Titus:Yes sir
Chief:In that case follow me
They went to where cars are packed,they were very happy but the happiness was cut short when Chief only pointed to one car.
Laura:Dad are you kidding me, one car for how many people. Are we just one?
Lara:Dad I don’t understand you o. Explain the meaning of this.
Titus was just shocked,he wasn’t expecting a car. I mean just one car. Even if he sells the car,the debt his wives are owing needs to be paid soon,his business has ran out of stock.
Titus:Oga why you dey do like this na,you get the money but you dey do akagum (stinginess).
Chief: If you all don’t leave here now…
Laura:What will happen
Lara:In fact dad,give us our share of the properties.
Chief: What property. As far as I am still alive, you are getting no share of the property and if you guys don’t leave now. I will retrieve my gift.
Titus:Oga abeg no vex..Oya,come make we dey go.
They took their present home..
One week later they sold their cars and settled their debts.Titus was regretting ever marrying the twins,they are always at each others neck.
None of them even have a work that can enable them not to rely on him too much,gradually gradually food started becoming a problem.
Titus seeked help from Chinedu who is still a sales boy at his shop.
Titus:See this whole thing don tire me.
Chinedu: You mean say the man no gree settle you?
Titus:Yes o.
Chinedu: Na to kill am be that and earn hin property.
Titus:Hey,Chineduuuuu…Nawa 4 you o
Chinedu: If you no wan return to your vulcanizing work,na wetin you go be that.
Titus:I go think am.
Chinedu: Think am well oo.
Titus thought about it very well and decided to kill the Chief the next day,because hunger was tearing his family apart and his wives were pregnant…
The next day,he went to meet Chief.
Chief:Ah ah Titus this one you came I hope all his well.
Titus:All no well o…e no well at all o.
Chief: What is the problem?
Titus:The problem be say,my ship wey dey bring goods don sink for water
Chief: You don’t mean it
Titus:Na the same thing I tel the person wey tel me
Chief:So how am I going to help you?
Titus:Chief I need like 1million
Chief: 1million
Titus:Yes,chief
Chief:I don’t think I have such amount but lemme bring what I have.
The chief went upstairs and Titus used that opportunity to poison the Chiefs wine…
Few minutes later,the Chief came down and gave him 300k.
Chief: Just manage that
Titus:Thank you sir
Titus waited for the Chief to drink the wine but he didn’t………As he stood up to announce his departure the Chief gulped the wine down and happiness was written all over his face..
He went home a happy man expecting to hear the news that chief is dead..
****4hrs later in Titus home****
Titus:See your dad gave us 300k
Laura:Too small
Titus:See your mouth.. We will use it to buy food stuffs and baby things
Lara:With only 300k?
Titus:Before nko
Laura:You are a poor man indeed.
Titus:I no blame you…
As they were talking Laura’s phone rang.
Laura:Hello,yes..What happen to Dad,how,why..okay.(hangs call)
Titus was very Happy and am sure he would have been the happiest man on earth that moment.
Lara:What happened to dad
Titus:Which hospital dey carry am go
Laura:It’s the gateman that called with dad’s phone
Lara:What did he say happened.
Titus: Wetin dey talk say kill am?
Laura:Titus,can you just shut up. Stop wishing anyone dead here pls…He only said that dad will be traveling tomorrow and come back in 4days time.
Immediately Titus heard that,he quickly ran outside and his wives were surprised at his action.
They waited for him thinking he will come back but after 11pm that day they knew something was wrong somewhere.
****Next day At Titus shop****
They went to Titus shop and met Chinedu sleeping.
Laura:What’s the meaning of this,come on wake up.
Chinedu: Yes,what is that.
Lara:Where is your friend
Chinedu: Who
Laura:Our husband, Titus
Chinedu: I should be asking you people that. After telling him to chase me out of the house.
Laura:You mean you don’t know where he is?
Lara:See how empty the shop looks
Chinedu: No be your papa wey no give am money.
Laura:Sis,let’s leave here and go to our Fathers house.Titus will surely come for us.
They left the shop and returned to their fathers house by then they were heavily pregnant…
Four days later,Chief returned from where he traveled to and met his daughters.
Chief:What are you doing here?Are you not meant to be in your husbands house.
Lara:(crying) Dad you see where you have landed us to… Rushing us to get married, see our condition and yet our husband left us to God knows where.
Chief: I don’t care,when he’s back he will come and take you both.
Meanwhile, for the past few days Titus has been in a shrine,the babalawo had told him to camp there for some days then on the final day he should go home and hug his father in law but immediately he lives here nobody should touch him in any form..
****Final day****
Titus thanked the baba and started going home,he boarded a keke to the Chiefs house and when he wanted to pay the fare,he just threw it on the floor avoiding the drivers touch.
He went straight to the gate and knocked, the gateman opened the gate and wanted to shake him but he rebuked him to the Gateman’s utmost surprise.
He went inside the compound only to see another hindrance.
He went inside the compound only to see Laura sitting outside.. Immediately she sighted him she ran towards him to hug and screamed “baby where the hell have you been?”, but Titus ran away from her grab only to see Lara coming from behind and he said,”no hug me o…no hug me o,after I finish wetin I wan do you can hug me as you like.”
But trust women na,they didn’t listen to him and they hugged him from front and back.
They left him after hugging him and he said,”no,continue hugging..winches,Una don destroy my life finish,oya continue na…nonsense.”
He went inside to meet Chief but Chief told him to take his wives and leave his house.
****days later****
Titus wives were in the labor room,he was praying that nothing bad will happen to them..
2hrs later,the doctor came out and asked of Mr.Titus.
Doctor: Are you Mr.Titus?
Titus:Yes,how are my wives
Doctor:(smiling) They are all fine
Titus:(breathing air of relief)Thank God.
Doctor: Congratulations, your wives gave birth to triplet each
Titus:Jehovah is good,thank you Lord.
Doctor: Yes,God is great
Titus:Wait,you say na wetin dey born
Doctor: Triplet each
Titus:No dey use English for me…You dey try say one wife born 3 pikin another wife born 3 pikin……Together na 6 pikins.
Doctor: Yes…anything??
Titus:(crying)Which kind nonsense be this.
He ran out of the hospital and went to chief house,he saw chief outside telling the gateman to clean the gutters and trim the flowers.
The gateman looked afar and saw Titus charging at them with a big stick in hand,he quickly left his Boss and ran inside.
Chief was asking what is that, common will you come here when something was hiten on his head.
Chief: Oh my God, am dead o.
Titus: You go die today, my wives don born 3pikins each, I tel you to gimme money but you dey do stinginess,you must die..
He was hitting Chief so hard and people came to help Chief by holding Titus.
Titus:Make una leave me,you must die today. Leave me,leave me,leave me
Chinedu: Ah ah,what is wrong with this idiot. Oboy,common will you wake up?(giving him a thunderous slap) Na so so sleep you been dey sleep,I don patch tyre finish o. So go pump am
Titus:Ehn,so you mean say na dream I dey since.
Chinedu: Wetin you dey talk sef,e be like say you don chop winch. Go pump tire o before that madam go now.
Titus stood up to pump the tyre,few minutes later a Prado jeep came and was horning.
Chinedu: Oya go give am tyre,no forget to toast am o
Titus:You dey craze,I no go toast anybody
Titus took the tyre to her.
And on getting there,he received the shock of his life,
…
…
Titus:Lawra,you again?
Madam:WHAT?! How did you know my name?
Titus:No be you and that your twin sister Lara,wey wan destroy my life because una never marry?
Madam: How did you know I have a twin sister and how do you know am single…
Titus fainted immediately….
